Url Ratz presents the Chain-Yank Award to
Dr. Laura
radio talk show host.

Few people deserve the Chain-Yank award more than talk show host Dr. Laura.

Photo of Dr. Laura unavailable. A photo of Dr. Urlaa has been substituted.

And it’s not just because of those nude photos that float around the Internet while she makes stinging moral judgments about people who call in. As a matter of fact, I find it helpful to keep a wallet-sized printout of her nude photo in the glove compartment so I can stick it on the dashboard when her show comes on. It helps to keep things in perspective when Dr. Laura gets a little too morally indignant with callers.

Don't get me wrong. I love this lady. She warms the hearts of rodents everywhere. While passing herself off as an expert on morality, she describes gays and lesbians as “biological errors.” I'm just guessing here, but I’ll bet God doesn’t appreciate being accused of making so many mistakes. I mean, you’d think that He would have that “creation” thing down by now, wouldn’t you? Maybe His biggest mistake is really in the condescending, hypocritical, judgmental, holier-than-thou talk show host category.

Never the less, I get such a thrill out of listening to her show. It’s so cool when Dr. Laura offers stunningly simple solutions to complex problems that most of us would find overwhelming. Don’t you love it when a single mother who lives in the ghetto calls in because her daughter has a teenage friend who’s pregnant and the mother wants to know if it’s morally right to buy a baby gift? Then the advice the mother gets is “sell your house and move.” Because she’s raising her daughter in a negative neighborhood where teenaged girls get pregnant and expect baby gifts, for gawd’s sake. What kind of mother is this, wanting to show her daughter that getting pregnant warrants a reward? After Dr. Laura hangs up on the woman in the ghetto (who by this time looks exactly like the dog on the Chain-Yank Award), she turns to the radio audience and says, “Man! Where does SHE live?” You’re brilliant Dr. Laura! It didn’t even occur to any of the rest of us that the lady could just move to Palm Springs, La Jolla, or Rancho de Santa Fe. You’re a piece of work Dr. Laura! If I had your talent for yanking people around I wouldn’t even care that concerned humans posted a Web site called StopDrLaura.com. You just keep being yourself, and if the immoral majority becomes too outraged that you’re running around loose, you can always sell your house and move.

Thanks for being there (for two minutes at a time) to give us your opinions. Some of us were clueless enough or desperate enough to ask your opinion and we got what we deserved. You tossed those brick opinions around without hesitation, totally ignoring the fact that you live in a glass house.

Let’s be fair, though. Some of your advice is darn good. And that makes the Chain-Yank twice as effective when you give it that masterful jerk.

I hope this award means half as much to you as it does to the many callers who are recovering from emotional and psychological neck injuries.

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